The hardest and most selfish lesson I learned—

How to say "No"

“College students are selfish,” adults complain. And they are right, of course. But let me tell you, being selfish isn’t easy. Before college, your time is dictated, or at least restricted, by your family’s expectations (“You must be valedictorian to get into a good college!”). After college, there are real-world pressures from your job, spouse, and bills to consume your time (“You need to start getting to work on time!”).

College is a different story. Your life is no longer controlled by a set of needs, rules, and expectations. Class attendance and homework are rarely mandatory, graduate school is optional, and volunteer work is voluntary. When you enter college, you are suddenly confronted with the thrilling, but daunting, question, “What do I want to do?” Even better/worse, the number of possible answers to this question has more than quadrupled.

For instance, activities I am deciding between for just this Friday night are: Spirited Away free movie at the Union, the Loreleis and Achordants, a capella concert, a "Beat Hunger, Beat Duke" canned food drive party, an International 80’s Dance, and a Latino Dance Party at Duke. There is also always the option of staying in to study. “Ha!” you are thinking, “That happens often!” Exactly my point.

When you set your own schedule, classes and homework can often take the back burner. You think, “I can always get up early tomorrow morning and study, but when will I have another chance to go to an 80’s Dance sponsored by the International House?!” The problem is that, on a college campus, there will always be something else to do. Every day of the week.

The best example from my own experience is 8am Intro Chemistry, first semester. My professor did not take attendance, and I had trouble staying awake and taking notes in class. So when the alarm went off at 7:30 am, I often convinced myself that if I was going to sleep through class, it may as well be in the comfort of my own bed. These types of excuses are easy in college because no one is going to tell you that you need to do something – other than yourself.

So when the grades came in last year, I realized something needed to change, and I was going to have to be the one to change it. To begin, I asked myself the question, “What do I want from college?” And after much deep thought, I answered, “I want to go to medical school, and I want to be happy.” From there, my life became – not easier – but less stressful because I had purpose. Based on what I wanted from college, I set about determining what I needed to do…

First, I needed to get good grades. Medical school is competitive, and my study habits were not up to par. I realized I was sleeping through class because I was not getting enough sleep. Why? Because I was chatting (online or in person) with friends until 2 am every morning. So this year, I vowed not to sign onto AIM while studying and to go to bed by midnight every weeknight.

It is amazing what sleep can do for your grades – and your disposition! As dorky as it sounds, consistently getting 8 hours of sleep every night has made me much happier than any of the dances, parties, or late nights with friends. But sit back for a moment and really think about what makes you happy. I think the mistake students often make is equating happiness with having fun, when they are not always the same.

So while working toward my goals has definitely meant less fun, I am a much happier and stable person for it. I have had to learn to kick friends out of my room, turn down party invites, and cut online conversations short. In summary, the hardest and most selfish lesson I learned freshman year was how to say “No.”